Pedestrians, Joggers, and Bicycles

Walk or jog in the middle of the road, even though you have a sidewalk.
Whenever possible, jog or walk at night. Always wear dark clothes when you do this.
If you are walking your dog, make sure the leash is long enough for the dog to be in the street, even if you're on the side walk.
If you own a home with a front lawn, make sure the water sprinkler gets anyone wet who tries to walk or pass your house.
Bicycles do not have to obey motor vehicle rules. Feel free to speed through red lights.
Adult bicycle riders should ride on the sidewalk whenever possible.
Everyone knows that pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way. So, step directly in front of a moving car the split second it approaches to see the driver "freak-out" and slam on the brakes.
Make sure the reflectors are missing off your bicycle.
Never ride your bicycle on the correct side of the road.
When biking on a main road, weave from side to side.
The best place to learn to do bicycle stunts like "wheelies" is on a busy vehicular road.
Cross busy intersections against the light. Walk up to moving cars in the intersection and kick them to pretend they hit you.
Tie your dog up to the front of your bicycle and have him pull you on the sidewalk and street. Do the same with roller blades and skateboards.
When walking your dog and see an approaching jogger, allow your dog to sniff the other persons crotch.
Never use hand signals when riding a bike in traffic.
Make abrupt turns and swerves on your bike.
When crossing a street, never look before stepping into the road. However, if your kids do the same thing, grab them by the hair and scream at the them.
When a vehicle at an intersection is waiting for you to cross, take your time so that the driver misses the green light.
When walking back to your car in a shopping center, walk with your whole family side by side down the middle of the aisle so that cars have to drive 1 mph behind you. When the drivers honk, give them a dirty look, because you have the right of way.
When walking your dog, allow it to defecate on other peoples lawn.
When approaching a pedestrian cross walk, stop your vehicle over the line so that the pedestrians have to walk around the front of your car, into traffic, to cross the road.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998