When looking in the rear-view mirror and observing the car behind you changing lanes, quickly jump into the same lane, staying in front of him.
If the vehicle in front of you signals to change lanes, quickly jump into the lane he wants to be in and punch the accelerator. The object of this is to screw the other driver from being able to change lanes.
When your traffic lane has a dashed line (permission to pass), drive as fast as possible and just a little over the line. This will prevent anybody from passing you. Then when the line becomes solid, slow down to a speed significantly less then the posted limit.
If another driver succeeds in passing you, tailgate and flash your high beams the entire time you are behind him/her.
When changing lanes, always change from an empty fast moving lane to a slow moving one with heavy congestion.
If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one.
On one lane roads, pass other vehicles using the shoulder.
If you catch another driver in the middle of attempting to pass you, accelerate so that you keep him/her in the oncoming traffic lane as long as possible. When he gives up and gets back behind you, slow down.
When changing lanes, take approximately 2 miles to completely move your car from one lane to the next.
If an oncoming vehicle drives briefly in your lane to pass a bicyclist, speed up and drive in the center of the road to scare the heck out of both of them.
When changing lanes, make sure that you only leave 1-2 inches between you and the car behind you.
When changing lanes in traffic, drive into the car next to you.
If there is a slow moving car 2 vehicles ahead of you, make every effort to pass and cut off the vehicle directly in front of you.
When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone is in the way, they'll move.
When passing a bicyclist, make sure that you get all the way to the left side of the road directly into oncoming traffic.
After slowing down to half the speed limit waiting to change lanes and pissing off the driver behind you, drive about 1/4 mile and switch back to your original lane, cutting him off.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998