Driving in Shopping Center Parking Lots

Even though you purchased one of those 4-wheel drive sport/utility vehicles because you might one day "drive" up a mountain, slow down drastically as you approach speed bumps.
When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy", and park somewhere else.
If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too.
If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
If you have handicap plates, always take a handicap parking spot. EVEN if the handicap person in your family is not with you.
When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
When pulling out of a shopping center, always have the front of your car sticking out in the middle of traffic.
If you are pulling out of a parking lot and you want to drive into another shopping center which is only about 100 feet to the left, quickly make the left turn, dart head-on into the opposite lane of traffic and turn into the next parking lot.
When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
If you don't have handicap plates, PARK in a handicap spot. You should also joke with your passengers that if anyone says anything, you'll just walk with a limp.
When there are many open parking spots close to the store, choose the one right next to the guy who parked his brand new car all the way in the back.
When exiting a parking lot and making a left turn across a multi-laned main street, pull out into the first lane of oncoming traffic and stop. Wait until the next lane is clear, pull up and stop again. Do this until you have driven across far enough to make the left turn.
Park your large 8-cylinder "gas guzzler" vehicle in one and a half spots that are labeled "Subcompact Cars Only'.
When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
If you don't see a speed limit sign in the shopping center parking lot, there isn't any!
When making a left turn from a parking lot onto a main road, and the exit has only one lane for each direction, and there is a car ahead of you waiting for traffic to clear to make the same left turn, do the following. Pull along side of the other driver, in the oncoming traffic lane. Then when the coast is clear, hit the accelerator pedal hard and quickly make the turn, cutting off the driver who was ahead of you.
When driving through the shopping center at night, DON'T use your headlights. The overhead lights in the parking lot is enough.
Never slow down for speed bumps.
When stopped in a lane, blocking traffic, to let a passenger out, make sure that you continue to block traffic as the passenger then opens the rear door and leans back in to collect all his belongings.
If you are at an intersection adjacent to a shopping center parking lot, and a car is waiting at the parking lot exit to make a left turn, wait until your light turns green. Then gesture for him to proceed so that he pulls out and blocks your lane while waiting for oncoming traffic to clear to complete the left turn.
When loading your car in a parking lot, leave all the doors wide open and take your time when you see a car in the adjacent spot waiting to pull out and leave.
If you see a driver backing out of a parking spot, slowly creep up close to him so that the other driver no longer has enough room to back all the way out and has to pull back in to let you pass.
If all the spaces are full, park on the yellow diagonal lines at the end of the aisle so that no one can see around the corner when driving through.
When approaching speed bumps, either come to a complete stop first or drive over them at 90 mph.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by DoggieSnot@doggiesnot.com
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998