Automotive Maintenance Tips

Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.
When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb. Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.
Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read them.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998