Driving Through Intersections

When approaching a green traffic light, slow down, wait for it to turn yellow, and come to a complete stop. Then just as it turns red, drive though and leave behind all the cars in back of you.
When making a left turn, stay as far to the right as possible.
When making a right turn, stay as far to the left as possible.
When making a left turn onto a multi-lane road, turn directly into the right-most lane. This way you cut off the vehicles attempting to make a right from the opposite direction.
When stopped in the middle of an intersection waiting to make a left turn, wait until oncoming traffic is only 1 foot away and turn directly in front of it.
Never make a right turn at a red light if there are other vehicles behind waiting to make the same turn.
When stopped at a red light and waiting to make a right turn, wait for a vehicle who has the green light to approach. At the very last second make your turn and quickly hit your breaks. (This rule also applies to stop signs)
It's always better to surprise other drivers. For example, if you intend to make a left turn, don't signal, and bear to the right. Then, as the vehicles behind you attempt to pass on the left, quickly and suddenly make the turn.
While in the middle of a turn, if you realize that this is not the turn you want, stop and backup.
When driving in bumper-to-bumper city traffic, make sure that you are dead center in the middle of the intersection when the light turns red, creating a gridlock situation.
When a red light turns green, wait a few minutes before moving so that you can limit the number of cars that make it through before the light turns red again.
When stopped at stop sign, wait until every car within 6,000 miles passes before proceeding, regardless of how long you have to wait.
When stopping behind another stopped vehicle, pull up as close as possible so that the driver can see your nose hairs from his/her rear view mirror.
When at a red traffic light, creep up toward the intersection a little and stop. Repeat this several times until the light turns green. When the light does turn, remain stopped until the vehicles behind start to honk.
When approaching a red light, use the shoulder to get in front of everyone who is stopped.
When a traffic light turns green, accelerate and then hit the brakes for no reason.
When driving through a circle type of intersection, drive along the outer lane and constantly come to full stops.
If there is a sign in the intersection that says "NO TURNS", stop in the left lane and make a turn.
If you need to pickup or drop-off a passenger, stop in the middle of the intersection to do so.
When approaching an intersection with a red light, start slowing down approximately 1 mile before getting to the intersection. Make sure that by the time you get to the light, you are coasting so slow, your speedometer needle is resting on the 0 MPH pin.
When making any turn, go as slow as possible.
When you are the first car at a red light, always challenge the sportier cars in the adjacent lanes to see who can be the first to leave the line when the light turns green.
Use the time at red lights to do other things such as look at the map, read the newspaper, look through your glove compartment, comb your hair, etc. Then pay no attention to the light which turned green 2 minutes ago.
When approaching a red light on a multi-laned road, if there is a 1 car ahead of you, quickly change lanes, without looking, so that you can be the first car in the next lane. Then when the light turns green, wait about a minute and accelerate slowly.
If you approach an intersection on a multi-laned road, where your lane is the only lane moving fast, stop and try to cut into the next lane, which is at a stand-still.
If the car ahead of you goes through a red light, it's always okay for you to follow.
At a red light or stop sign, always have the front of your car sticking out in the middle of the intersection. Do not make any attempt to backup just a little.
When stopped at a red light or stop sign, always stop past the stop line so that buses and trucks, who have the green light, do NOT have enough space to make their turn. Then wave your arms and yell at the truck/bus driver because someone else is stopped behind you and you have no place to go.
When waiting at an intersection, if there is another vehicle waiting to make a turn, gesture for him to go, even if it is not safe.
When waiting to make a turn, if another driver gestures for you to go ahead, do so, even if there is still heavy and fast moving traffic (with the right of way) coming directly at you.
If you see a police car in your rear view mirror flashing for you to pull over, do so where you and the police car cause the most interruption to the traffic flow.
When making a left turn, if the car in the oncoming lane signals to make a right turn, pull out in front of him. He has to slow down anyway.
When approaching a red light, use the RIGHT-LANE-MUST-TURN-RIGHT lane to pass the drivers in the other three lanes.
When intending to make a right turn at an intersection with a right-turn-must-turn-right lane, stay over one lane to the left and drive to end of the intersection. Then stop, holding up traffic behind you, while you try to cut over and make the right turn.
When approaching a green light which just turns yellow, accelerate sharply as if to make it through. Then, look in your rear view mirror. If you see another car right behind you doing the same, SLAM on the brakes and stop abruptly before reaching the intersection.
When another driver stops and gestures for you to proceed, even though he has the right of way, remain stopped until he gets pissed off. Then when he gives up and starts to leave you, pull out in front of him.
When the car ahead of you stops at an intersection with a green light to let an emergency vehicle cross, lean on your horn and make obscene gestures.
When stopped at a red light and waiting to make a left turn, check to see if you can get one car closer to the intersection by switching lanes. If you can, backup about 5 feet and switch lanes.
Use your horn to honk at the vehicle in front of you if it does not move within 2 microseconds after the light turns green.
If you drive the same route to work every day, never use your signals because everyone should know where you're going to turn.
If you notice a stop or yield sign is missing, where there usually is one, you NOW have the right of way.
If you approach a traffic light that is not working, assume your light is green.
When driving through a traffic light that just turned yellow, press the brake pedal slightly to keep the brake lights on. That way the driver behind you thinks your going to stop and loses his chance to go through also.
When waiting to make a left turn at an intersection without a light, position your car diagonally in the intersection to block traffic in the oncoming lane. Then when an oncoming driver sees he can't get through and gestures for you to go, DON'T.
When you are stopped at a stop sign and there is a car coming from the left and he is about 1 mile away and there is nobody behind him, wait until he is about 50 feet from the intersection to pull out in front of him and go half the speed limit.
When approaching a traffic light with the intention of going straight, move into the right most lane so that drivers wanting to make a right turn on red won't be able to do so.
When stopped at a light or sign on the top of an upward hill, pull right up to the bumper of the car in front of you. This way, if the other car has a stick shift, there's a chance the driver will roll back, tap your bumper, and you can get rich $$!
It is not illegal to run red lights or stop signs if there isn't a cop around to see you do it.
If the car ahead of you stops for a 4-way stop sign and then proceeds, CLOSELY follow him through the intersection.
Here's a good time-saving tip if you are stopped at a traffic light with the intention of going straight and you feel you have been waiting too long: Make a right-on-red turn instead, and in one motion, make an illegal U-turn, reapproach the intersection and then make another right turn. You have just succeeded in going through a red light, without going through a red light.
When approaching a traffic light which has a left turn arrow, which turns green before the normal green light, get into the left lane. Then when the left turn arrow turns green, don't move until the arrow turns red and the normal light turns green. Then cut off the car in the next lane and go straight, leaving behind everyone who wanted to make a left turn.
When stopped at a red light, start crossing the intersection as soon as the opposite side's light turns yellow.
When the car in front of you is stopped (waiting for traffic to clear) to make a left turn, and you are going straight, and there are cars behind you, stay behind the stopped car and make no effort to go around it.
Stop at intersections when you DO NOT have a stop sign or traffic light.
When stopped at a stop sign, do NOT creep up to see around a building or other obstacle. Once you stop, you have met your obligation and you can proceed regardless of whether another vehicle is coming or not.
As you approach an intersection where you have the right of way, and you see a car stopped a stop sign waiting for you to pass, drive very slow and take your time.
If you are approaching an intersection where you will be making a right turn, do not signal. This way, vehicles in the perpendicular road at the intersection, will think you are going straight and have to wait for you.
When stopped at a traffic light, always block shopping center entrances and exits, driveways, and other streets.
Cut through gas stations at intersections to avoid waiting for a red light.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by DoggieSnot@doggiesnot.com
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998