Driving in Inclement Weather

If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.
When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.
The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes.
Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog.
If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH.
If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.
When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible.
When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.
When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road.
If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.
When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.
When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you.
If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off. Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard. Then continue driving by peaking out the windshield where the defroster has just started to clear.
Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is.
Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.
Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped.
When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.
When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.
If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by DoggieSnot@doggiesnot.com
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998