Highway Driving

When entering a highway with an acceleration lane, do one of the following:
  1. Drive slowly to the end of the acceleration lane, come to a complete stop, and wait.
  2. Don't use the acceleration lane. As soon as the entrance ramp meets the highway, drive 15 MPH and turn directly into fast moving traffic.
If you are approaching your highway exit and there is a car in front of you, get into the adjacent left lane, accelerate to pass him, then quickly make a sharp right turn in front of the other car, and directly into the exit.
When driving in the left lane and approaching a merging vehicle entering from an acceleration lane, switch to the right-most lane, squeezing him onto the shoulder.
When exiting a highway with a deceleration lane, don't use it. Stay in the right-most lane of the highway (parallel to the deceleration lane) and slow down. Then just as the exit lane splits away from the highway, cut across the painted lines.
If you pass your exit on the highway, stop and backup.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut off as many drivers as possible to get into the shortest line. Then wait until it's your turn to pay before you start to look for your change and toll ticket.
Never go fast enough to pass a police car; no matter how slow it is going.
If you notice a car in the next lane, signaling to switch into your lane, ahead of you, speed up so that the two of you are driving parallel. The other driver will then wave his arms and start yelling. When he finally decides to slow down and switch lanes behind you, turn into the lane where the other driver started.
Always use large bills at toll booths.
When at a toll booth, always ask for directions, even if you know where you are going.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut across as many lanes as possible to be in an exact change lane. Then check to see if you even have exact change. If not, backup.
If switching lanes at a toll plaza can bring you 1 car closer, quickly and abruptly yank the wheel and punch the accelerator to change lanes. Do not look before doing this.
When approaching a toll plaza from the left lane, cut across all lanes of traffic to pay at the right-most toll lane. After paying, cut across all lanes of traffic to get back into the left lane.
Stay in the left lane with your cruise control set at 50 mph. Avoid touching the accelerator pedal to force faster moving traffic to have no choice but to pass on the right.
If you drive a motorcycle, the lines on the road are meant to be driven on. Feel free to whip between lanes of traffic very very fast.
When driving a motorcycle on the highway, tuck your head down below your shoulders so that you can't see and propel yourself at 600 mph.
If you are driving a truck on the highway and you stop at a rest area, park horizontally across 5 spots that are labeled "CARS ONLY".
After paying a highway toll, leave the toll booth very very slowly.
On a 4-lane highway, always select the lane directly adjacent to a tractor trailer. Then drive right beneath the trucks door so that the truck driver can not see you.
When a tractor trailer ahead of you in the adjacent lane signals to get into your lane, accelerate so that you are directly next to the truck's payload. Then drive at the same speed so that the truck can not change lanes. Do this even if the truck was going faster than you.
When switching lanes in front of a tractor trailer, always drive close enough to the front of the truck that the driver can not see you over the trucks hood.
If you are driving an 18-wheeler or a bus and you pass a car where the female passenger is breast feeding her baby, stare intensely at her and lick your lips.
When approaching an exit or entrance, always get into the right lane, even if you are not getting off.
When driving by yourself or with one other person, get into the 3-person HOV (carpool) lane and drive 50 mph.
Make sure you hold traffic up at the toll booth by not having any money to pay. If this causes you to have to fill out forms, fill them out slowly.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by DoggieSnot@doggiesnot.com
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998