General Driving Rules

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.
Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.
Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
You always have the right of way.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
  • "Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT SHIT"
  • "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
  • "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
  • "If you can read this, you're too close"
  • "Watch my ass, not hers"
  • "I'd rather be skiing"
  • "I brake for no apparent reason"
  • "I drive this way just to piss you off"
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
When at a gas station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card.
If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic.
Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!"
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable to repeatedly make the "ding" sounds.
Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.
When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.
After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his ass kicked.
Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.
When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight.
Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals.
When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it.
Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird."
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".
If you are bored and looking for something interesting to do on a summer night, try CAR BOWLING. To do this, you drive through a residential neighborhood on garbage night. Hold a bowling ball out the car window and drive as fast as you can. Then slam on the brakes and let the ball go.
If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.
There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your red lights and go for it.
When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow down to throw the papers out the window.
Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat.
Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel.
If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.
Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998