Regardless of how minor the accident is, always pretend you are suffering from an injured neck and back.
Blame all the old dings and dents in your car on the accident which just occurred.
Even if you were 110% at fault for the accident, tell the cop at the accident scene that the other guy wasn't paying attention and he hit you.
Always accuse the other accident driver of drinking.
Right after any accident, be as vulgar and abusive as possible to the other driver.
If there are no police at the accident scene, pretend you left your license and insurance card at home.
After each and every accident you are involved in, you must initiate some sort of litigation.
At the accident scene, insist that the police issue the other driver a summons; even if it was you that caused the accident.
During the split second before an impact, quickly yank the steering wheel to involve another vehicle that had nothing to do with the initial cause of the accident.
If at all possible, leave the scene after an accident. If someone catches up to you, play dumb.
When the other driver approaches you right after an accident, pretend not to speak English.
Under no circumstances, should you check to see if anybody was hurt.
When driving out of state with a rental car, take advantage of a free accident.
Deny everything that the other driver accuses you of doing; even if it's true.
Tell the cop at the accident scene that the other driver almost caused three other accidents prior to this one.
Before you speak to the insurance agent about an accident, go home and find some "witnesses" who'll say they were in the car with you.
If there is no one else to blame, blame an animal.
In an effort to save a squirrel in the road, slam on the brakes and swerve into oncoming traffic to kill an entire family.
If you accidentally hit a parked car, leave a note on the windshield stating that there are witnesses who think you are leaving your name and phone number.
When you see a bad accident on the side of the road and you notice that the authorities have not yet gotten to the scene, stop for a good look and drive away.
When you see an accident on the side of the road and the police are directing traffic, ignore the cop's directions and slow down to make sure that you see everything there is to see. Even if it turns out to be nothing more than a poor slob changing a flat tire.
If you get into an accident because your mirrors were not adjusted properly and you did not see the other car, blame the accident on the other driver since he got into your "blind" spot.

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"How to Drive Like a Moron" by
Revision date: August 17, 2002
© Copyright 1998